Fish Tales And Other Lies
Thursday, September 25, 2003
JingJangJohnnyJohnsonBoy is telling his tales elsewhere!
You can find me in my new home here. Stop over and check it out. Don't forget to update your links!
Friday, September 19, 2003
Yeah....that's the spot.
There's a place that is special to me. I was there a little over two years ago. It was September 11, 2001, but the date has nothing to do with why the place is special to me. I think of this spot almost every day, but especially this time of year. Why is it so great? I'm a fisherman and an outdoorsman. If people like me have a heaven on earth, this place is it! There is old growth forest, mountains, wildlife of all varieties, and salmon. My first morning there, I strolled to the riverbank with coffee in hand. We had arrived the night before after dark, so I had no idea what to expect. It looked like something out of National Geographic! The river was thick with Salmon, fresh from the ocean and beginning their journey upstream. I'd love to say that I caught one of these monstrous fish, but I can't. We were not equipped for this type of fishing. Perhaps that is one reason this place haunts me. My mind races with the thoughts of next time. Yeah, next time I'll be ready! Do you have a spot like this? Tell me about it.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Brave or crazy?
OK. Enough is enough! People are out of control with this storm stuff. I'm in the western suburbs of Phila. The Storm is blasting away down on the coast of the Carolinas, but the forecast for this area is calling for wind gusts up to 40 MPH and between 2-5 inches of rain. Now call me crazy, but that aint shit! Everyone is talking about missing work tomorrow, and buying water. Come on people. We are not on the Outer Banks! It's nice to be prepared and all, but this thing is going to be over in 24 hours. Some basements will get wet, and some trees will fall on cars. Whoop-de-freaking-do! If you are frightened by this storm, you’ve been watching too much of the news.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Dogs for sale - two for the price of one!
I love dogs; just ask anyone. Today, I don't see the appeal so much. Why is this so JingJangJohnnyJohnsonBoy, you ask? Well, here is how my day began. The clock radio went off to Love Will Keep Us Together by the Captain & Tennille. OK, so not a great start, but the dogs can't be blamed for this atrocity. True, but it does say a lot about my state of mind as the next events unfold. I walk, with my lovable hounds happily jumping at my heels, towards the back door to let them out. As I hit the living room, a scene of unspeakable destruction unfolds before my sleepy eyes. The kitchen trash was hit hard, and scattered everywhere! Ruby Mae, oblivious to my rising blood pressure, pranced over the mess on her way to the exit. Obi, began to sense the danger, but he was not quick enough to dodge a swat from the nearest periodical. As I chased him out the door, I saw that Ruby was now alerted to her pending doom. This, of course means that she got scared and pissed on the floor. We think she was mistreated by her previous owner. So I get both dogs outside, and clean up the trash. I headed for the basement to get more paper towels, and notice a pile of fresh crap on the floor. By the time everything is cleaned up, I am seriously late for work, and Ruby will not come in the house for fear she will be beaten. I head out into the dim light of the early day to persuade her that all is well, and that she will live to see another day. Finally, the dogs are in and repenting and I head off to work, late and frazzled. About half way in, my senses awoke enough to smell crap. How could this be? I washed my hands thoroughly! Damn! I must have stepped on a land mine in my back yard. Sure enough, my left shoe was hit. Not only that, but it touched my pant leg as I got in the car. Now I can add the fact that I stink to the list - late, frazzled, pissed and smelly.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Damn kids!
I just read Buddha's last post, and it reminded me of a story from my youth. We were about 15 or 16, and there was a party at this girl’s house. Her trusting parents were away. I'm not sure how many people were invited, but the word spread and the house was soon rockin'. The beer supply ran dry. One of my friends had just gotten a driver's license, and I knew a place that would sell me beer (I was tall for my age). So off we went to get as many six packs as we could, without raising suspicion. We did pretty well that night - 6 six-packs. We were anxious to get back to the party, and enter as heroes. We, after all, saved the day. (Now keep in mind that the party was in typical suburbia, and every house looks the same.) So we park the car and the three musketeers exit and make a dash for the party. As we walk in the front door, things seem a little more subdued than when we left. Hey what's that kid doing hear in pajamas? Why are they watching the Wonderful World of Disney?
Oh Crap!!!
We were in the house next door. Out we ran, across the front yard and into the party. Before the night was over, some girl passed out, and I threw up near the front door. Yeah, that was some night.
What the -bleep-
I'm I the only one that can't see me #$@&ing comments!?!?!? What is up with this? My count goes up, but there's nothing there.
Well hello Dolly....
I'm not a big country music fan, but I don't think it's all bad either. I do appreciate a good song, no matter who wrote or performed it. Having said that, I'll get to the point. I heard a track from a new Dolly Parton tribute album . Now stay with me here. I know she's a little over the top with the hair, the twang, and the....you know......the twin peaks. None of that makes her a bad singer or song writer though. Like her or not, it would be tough to argue her talent. There are some great voices on the album. I honestly don't know most of the songs (see line one of this post), but the one I heard this morning was very nice. Nora Jones sang The Grass Is Blue. I'm not ready to wear my Stetson, while doing the two-step down at the dew-drop-inn or anything. This could be an interesting album to hear more of. That's all I'm saying.
Monday, September 15, 2003
What is going on with these pop-up adds
They’re out of control! How am I supposed to surf at work, when every site I hit opens four more windows. Is it just me, or has it gotten much worse lately. You expect it, when you go to certain sites (gambling, porn, etc......not that I do), but Damn! Enough already - I'm not going to buy what you're selling, so get out of my face.
Are you ready for some football?!
I am. I haven't been able to sit through a whole game yet. I can accept that my team will not win every game. I do, however, expect them to show signs of life; a glimmer of hope. I'm not getting that from the Philadelphia Eagles. They are a bad football team, with no entertaining qualities. Our coach has no clue how to turn this team around, so as a public service I will throw my own ideas out there.
The Eagles should become a two quarterback team. You could have McNabb to one side of the center and Detmer at the other side. In the huddle, they play rock/paper/scissors to determine where the snap goes. Since McNabb can't pass, he should earn his money running with the ball. If Detmer gets the ball, maybe he can complete a pass.
If nothing else, other teams will be confused and have trouble defending this style of play. I know it wouldn't be boring. What do you think?
Friday, September 12, 2003
Yup, that's me.
I got this Name Analysis from Cornelia. I have to give her credit because you should check her out, and because Melissa told me so.
Any way, here's what my name says about me:
The name of John has made you serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You love the security of a home and family, you are fond of children, and, as a parent you would be fair and understanding. Although you have good business judgment, you are not aggressive in your dealings because you do not like to create issues. You would be successful in any position dealing with the public as you have a diplomatic and tactful manner and possess a charming, easy-going nature which puts people at ease. People are drawn to you because they feel that you are patient, kind, understanding, and responsive. You would be effective in a career or in volunteer work where you are handling people and serving in a humanitarian way. While you are honest and responsible, one weakness that is paramount in your life is your lack of self-confidence and initiative, which causes you to put things off and avoid facing issues.
The loss of a giant
I heard the news today, that Johnny Cash was dead. I can't say that I was ever a big fan, but I always knew that he was a giant in the country music scene. He'll be missed.
Whole lotta shakin' goin' on.
Well, my dog Obi has started to have seizures. He predecessor Grady had seizures too. It's scary stuff. They can't control their muscles and their eyes get crazy. Obi's passed within a few minutes, but it seemed longer. I'm sure it felt like an hour to him, the poor guy. I guess we'll have to put him on Phenobarbital too. That's what Grady took for his. I want to wait for a while to see if he has any more "spells". I hate to give him pills if he doesn’t need them. A lifetime of chemicals is no good for him. That's two dogs in a row. If little Ruby Mae starts to have them, I'm going to wonder if there is something in the house or the water that is causing them. I think I'll just drink beer for a while, just in case.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Did you miss me?
Due to many circumstances, I was off the air yesterday. Fear not. Everything is OK. I thought I'd start the day with a few updates.
Harvey, the free range chicken is MIA. The smell of fresh biscuits is in the air.
I'm cellular. Give me a call sometime, but not on my land line. It's about to be disconnected.
I have new wheels. I got an '04 Subaru Forester. I love it!
Mean people SUCK! Nobody backs Baby into a corner.
Ruby Mae is in deep trouble.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Mail call!
I check my corporate mail slot every few days or so. I'm not sure why. I never get anything sent to me. Email has pretty much eliminated corporate snail mail. My heart soared today, as I discovered I finally had mail. How cool is this, I thought. It looks like a post card. Maybe it's from a friend in some exotic place, far away. Alas, it was an invitation to a sales summit and it was addressed to some guy named DingDangDonnyDonaldsonMan. I hate that!
Don't you just love that new car smell?
Well, it's not official yet, but it looks like JingJangJohnnyJohnsonBoy will be driving a new Subaru Forester. We checked one out last night, and the price was right. It's a leftover 2003 and we got a deal, but for someone that hasn't even shopped for a new car in over two decades, there was some sticker shock. It's tough to think about a car payment for the next five years, but that's life I guess. I didn't sleep too well last night. I think part of it was excitement, but most of it was nervousness. I'm sure we'll be fine, once we get used to the payments, and it will be great to have a nice car. All right, maybe I'm more excited than nervous.
Can I get a witness
Well my baby, she's clean out of sight, don't you know that
she's
She's some kind 'a wonderful!
Monday, September 08, 2003
Never is a long time
I'm about to do two things that I said I would never do. First of all, I'm about to join the ranks of people who are trading in their land lines for a cell phone. This one goes against everything I stand for, except for one thing. It will save me money in the long run. Secondly, I'm about to go shopping for a new car. Yes NEW. My current car (1990 Pontiac station wagon with wood trim), has 125,000 miles on it. It has no heat, and the temp light comes on everyday. Normally, I would look for another (very) used car and pay cash for it. I hate making car payments. Cars are not a status symbol for me. They are just a tool to get me from here to there. I don't give a rat's ass what people think about me, if they are basing their opinion on what I drive. I guess it's just time. I've been driving clunkers for about 10 years. Before I gave my previous car (another station wagon) away, I used a staple gun to "repair" the head liner. We are looking at the Subaru Forester or the Hyundai Santa Fe. Does anybody have an opinion on either car?
Heckle & Jeckle are out of control
Do you remember the cartoon magpies Heckle & Jeckle? Well if you do, you are old. There's nothing funny about this magpie
It's really just a big raisin, isn't it?
Do you know what has gotten a bad reputation? The prune has some how become synonymous with constipation, and it's just not right. Granted, prunes have "the power to move ya", but why is that the only thing that people focus on. They are also very sweet and tasty. Prunes are rich in magnesium, sodium, phosphorous and potassium. Nobody makes fun of the raisin. I know, they are completely different fruit. My point is they look and taste similar, and both have the ability to regulate and motivate. Why are people so hard on the prune? Loosen up! (Hey, that's funny. Get it? Loosen up...)
Friday, September 05, 2003
One of those days
Did you ever have one of those days? No, not the 'everything I touch turns to shit' days. I'm talking about one of those days where your senses are so alive it's electric. Every song you hear sooths and warms you like a hot bath. The scene out your window seems like a postcard, even though it's same view you have every day. What a shame it is to be at work today. I should be painting or fishing or something. Can I take a half day off, due to a natural high?
Are you an organ donor?
John Prine - Please don't bury me.
Woke up this morning
Put on my slippers
Walked in the kitchen and died
And oh what a feeling!
When my soul
Went thru the ceiling
And on up into heaven I did ride
When I got there they did say
John, it happened this way
You slipped upon the floor
And hit your head
And all the angels say
Just before you passed away
These were the very last words
That you said:
Chorus:
Please don't bury me
Down in that cold cold ground
No, I'd druther have "em" cut me up
And pass me all around
Throw my brain in a hurricane
And the blind can have my eyes
And the deaf can take both of my ears
If they don't mind the size
Give my stomach to Milwaukee
If they run out of beer
Put my socks in a cedar box
Just get "em" out of here
Venus de Milo can have my arms
Look out! I've got your nose
Sell my heart to the junkman
And give my love to Rose
Repeat Chorus
Give my feet to the footloose
Careless, fancy free
Give my knees to the needy
Don't pull that stuff on me
Hand me down my walking cane
It's a sin to tell a lie
Send my mouth way down south
And kiss my ass goodbye
Repeat Chorus
Plum smuggler
I don't know about you, but I'm a firm believer that no man should ever wear a thong or a Speedo. I don't think they are indecent, just WRONG. What are people thinking when they put these things on. If they are thinking about making a "run for the border", they better think again! That's what this guy thought, and it cost him.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
How about them apples?
I'm not that sad to see summer go this year. In fact, I'm always glad to see the fall season arrive. What I don't like to see is the end of the summer fruit season. I love fresh fruit! The choices in the summer are endless (cherries, berries, melons, peaches, plums, etc). Then fall rolls around. At first it's not too bad. The apples are so fresh and crisp, and there's like 10,000 varieties of apples these days. There are always bananas and oranges too, but by December I'll be dying for the taste of summer.
Problems in the bedroom
That's right. I can't find a pillow that works for me. I never used to have this problem. I could walk into any store and pick up any pillow and it was fine. Now every pillow I buy is crap within a week. It develops a major head crater in the middle that will not go away. I end up bunching it up in the middle of the night, then waking up with a stiff neck. Eventually, I decided that two crap pillows might equal one decent one. That's not exactly correct. Now it's too fat and the stiff neck is back. I'm I just buying cheap pillows, or do I have a freakishly heavy head. It's not like I'm Fred Flintstone, and my head is equal to half of my body mass.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Dump and run
I'm about to ditch my mechanic. Every time he does something, it's not right. In some cases he gets it right the next time, but not always. So the question is, do I tell him that I'm dumping him and why, or do I just pay for this last repair and move on in silence. The answer is, I will quietly pay and move on. This confrontation will not accomplish anything, so why bother.
Harvey, the big white...........chicken?
Am I the only one who can see this chicken every day? I pass a gravel pull-off on my way to and from work every day. For the last two weeks, there has been a chicken hanging around almost every day. There are no farms or processing plants around, so this is highly unusual. It's strange enough to have a free range chicken in my town, but it's even stranger that nobody has stuffed and eaten him. He is lingering near the part of town that I refer to as "the land that time forgot" or "Little Appalachia". It's just a matter of time before some local shots him with a bow and arrow and has a BBQ. In a few months the chicken’s head will be mounted on a wall next to a semi-nude woman in a Budweiser poster.
Presto - Changeo
I'm due for an oil change. Now normally that would mean some type of hassle - car pooling, waiting, walking or some other inconvenience. That is not the case for me. We have a service that will came and pick up your car at work. They leave a car in your parking space to reserve it. Once they are done, they bring your car back and it's right where you parked it in the morning. It cost just about the same as any other garage. Now that's magical!
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Yo-Da-la-he-WHOOO
Do you know what there is just too little of? Yup, you guessed it - Rock-n-roll yodelers. Do you remember Hocus Pocus by Focus?
Expiration Date
I stopped to get milk this weekend. As always, I checked to make sure that I was buying the freshest milk available by checking the expiration date. Every carton was marked Sept 11. I didn't want to buy it. I would have gotten one marked Sept 10, if I could. I just wanted to skip Sept 11, as if somehow that would make me feel better. I know it won't. It's not that I want to forget this day. I think it's important to always remember. It's strange what things can trigger you emotions about the events of the horrible day. It seems like a long time ago until the day approaches. I can feel it coming on like a powerful storm in the distance. My emotions are starting to bubble up like a stew of sadness, shock, anger and hate. I hesitate to use the word hate. It's such a strong and ugly word. It's also the cause of all this trouble.
